Excellence

I met a Woman today, a missionary, almost three times my age.....

with amazing Joy....

and heart.....


despite my best efforts and everything i may feel that i have accomplished.....

She has lived my life three times over

experience i'm sure i can't even hold a candle to

and it was amazing hearing her give wisdom....

humbly.....

and honest.






if i had one good life.....one life i lived with true excellence....i think amazing things to change the world with it would happen.....i mean a good life of like 26, 27........and then if i could do it two more times.......in excellence......maybe i could do something honorable with the years that i have that could be worthy of the approval of this Lady......




i have a couple friends that i need to help.....

and the way she was so helpful today....

just because.....

reminded me.....

to give as freely as i have received.....

what ever they need: may i have the wisdom to help guide and never put my comfortability above their care.

Post: and feel free to comment on anything You like here: express related or unrelated thoughts: i like talking: or even just listening: use Your real name: make up a name: i don't care if i never get to know that You are one of my closest(or farthest) friends that i know in real life and i never realize it cause You make up a fake name...... im sure that our conversation may be more honest than it is now though....and maybe we will work on it becoming honest if You would like later: but i won't ever try to find out Your secret identity!

So write: comment: claim and point idiot if You want. but don't feel afraid to express Yourself, because what ever You think, i know i will grow from Your comments, questions, thoughts, and ramblings... and hopefully

truth.

Rest

I failed at this predominately today: i let a 30 minute task turn into a 5 hour one.....but I will not make a habit of failure......8.05pm and on my way to bed. Hope You all got to rest.....

God had to create the whole world....universe.....and thought one day should still be used to rest.......

Post: and feel free to comment on anything You like here: express related or unrelated thoughts: i like talking: or even just listening: use Your real name: make up a name: i don't care if i never get to know that You are one of my closest(or farthest) friends that i know in real life and i never realize it cause You make up a fake name...... im sure that our conversation may be more honest than it is now though....and maybe we will work on it becoming honest if You would like later: but i won't ever try to find out Your secret identity!

So write: comment: claim and point idiot if You want. but don't feel afraid to express Yourself, because what ever You think, i know i will grow from Your comments, questions, thoughts, and ramblings... and hopefully

truth.

date

for some reason(i just realized what the reason was.....but im not saying) i was thinking of what would actually happen if i was dating someone(anyone) right now.....and i didn't like it.

it was earily real....within my minds eye.....as though its been going on for months and i am just sick of being stuck in our routine of dating....there isn't even an "us" or "we" or a kinda "us/we"......

i've become comfortable being single....(this is feeling like i have written about this before: my apologies if so....i don't usually read past posts(especially since its been about a year))

and i prefer it so much.....
that i was dreading the thought of being with someone.....

how terrible.....

and aside from dating....

how isolated i clearly have become.......

its not dating that is the problem, it seems like its me wanting to use every moment for me

to stick to my plan

get my things done

make sure my money is spent as i decided

that i get the sleep i want

work out when ever i feel in the day



as though i have no capacity to inconvenience my self for others.....

i almost became rude tonight in doing a favor for a friend simply because i didn't feel like doing it

this is not You Rome......

this is not what You decided to give as Love

life is about giving to others

-to me, giving AS freely as i have received it




and im stuck with trying to find more time to receive......



im sorry to You all for my selfishness

im sorry You haven't been able to see my Love for You....
i wasn't really giving it....and if it seemed like it.....im sure it is only a shade of my true self.......and You all deserve all of me.


dating will figure itself out. i've never been one to think that im going to decide how two of us will spend a relationship....there is an entire universe of an individual that would be able to be there next to me through those decisions.....we may end up at the same spot and thoughts.....but i will never limit them to that.....especially before it has even happened






Post: and feel free to comment on anything You like here: express related or unrelated thoughts: i like talking: or even just listening: use Your real name: make up a name: i don't care if i never get to know that You are one of my closest(or farthest) friends that i know in real life and i never realize it cause You make up a fake name...... im sure that our conversation may be more honest than it is now though....and maybe we will work on it becoming honest if You would like later: but i won't ever try to find out Your secret identity!

So write: comment: claim and point idiot if You want. but don't feel afraid to express Yourself, because what ever You think, i know i will grow from Your comments, questions, thoughts, and ramblings... and hopefully

truth.

"Beautiful things don't seek attention"

every single time.....

and in every single glimpse......

i was never looking for beauty when it hits

there is a spot i like.....its a little weird cause it faces where the Crosby's live.....


But on a fence out there....

usually when i'm leaving work

if You stand on one of the post.....

You have one of the most amazing views of the sunset......

it doesn't need to be recorded.....

doesn't need to be pictured.....



it just happens as i walk.....

and while it may feel initially weird.

i don't ever regret it

i'm captivated

and thankful when it does happen

and while i usually want to duplicate the occasion

finding it, casually on my way, always seems to be the most entrancing.......

be sure to enjoy the moment when it appears....
actually,



enjoy the beautiful moments when You take time to realize they have been there all along.

















yea i thought of Dulce when that line was spoken


and the feelings were spurred in a majestic of ways.....
settle down though. patience is best as our enduring companion at. all. times.

Say something

It's amazing how much our lives say about us without asking our permission...... or allowing us to truly cover it up......what is happening on the inside is seeping out and about our every movement.....so maybe it's good to just ask for help: to listen to someone who will simply tell You the truth of what they see in Your life....to let them speak unfiltered and to tell You what are the thoughts that they have of You:

do i appear timid?

do i seem swayed by the next ocean of ideas that come my way?

what does my life tell You is the most important thing to You?

what do You see me spend the most energy/time/effort talking/thinking/caring about???

how would You define me to someone You would want me to date?

what do You see as my weaknesses?

I always thought it so telling of a movie or show when the main character receives advice for their lives, that they didn't ask for or was seeking, but it applies to their life....in the most important things, that no one else really knows about.....but their advice still remains true......

it just seemed to me....that the problems that we have....are deeper than just sectioned off pieces of our lives....our home problems run into our friend problems that run into our finance problems that run into our work problems that hinders our relationship problems.....because we are too whole to separate ourselves......

we can't just live one way here and another there.....
and while we may set up the wall for a while.....time always lowers it just a little to show who You are.....
sometimes i think You should just take down the wall altogether...and let someone Love(not romantically, but maybe You need romance) You...

its so hard to do that huh......but its not gonna stop me from trying.....to learn to be more vulnerable....to pull down my walls....and receive Love.....

which would also be the only time i would be able to give real Love......







In a completely other thought not at all related....a thought that caught me driving today....



can i tell You You're as gorgeous as the moon.........

on a wonderfully clear night....


or maybe as the night sky......

without the moon.....
a blanket

s
             c
   a
                          t
                     t
                                       e
        r 
                 r
e
                               d

with small channels of light....... 
glowing EVvvver so lovely through.....

Love You Dear Lady

Where do i begin

the first image for me to wake up to for the new year was a dream of Dulce......for some reason we were on a computer and she placed her left elbow over my right with our hands up to then be intertwined. As though to get in the way of me using the computer, she used her left hand on the keyboard while i already had my right hand on the mouse......

i asked her, laughing, "did we really just become one of those couples??" 

and she just laughed.....

Nothing has changed with Dulce....Nothing better, that I know of....maybe worst.....

and nothing has changed because i haven't done anything to change anything....

i did realize that her affect over my actions is quite intoxicating......

i speak like an idiot to her.....every time....

i can give(really just share) wisdom with my students to help with communicating correctly and effectively.....

i can help Lance(and he HELP me) back in the day with people he was talking to....

i could converse ideas with Victor and learn more from how he spoke....

i could talk with Fabe, or Swin, about ideas and relationships and what we believed with wonderful excellence.......

but with her......

with her why would anything work correctly???

i'm surprised my fingers/lips or even actions for solid singular thoughts let alone stupid statements: which by the way simply get ignored( i think) while i can understand my complete block head actions(did i mention most of these are texts or messages online....yea....like a tool) i think the thing that i don't understand about her(which causes the most frustration) is that she. just. doesn't. respond. 

i don't care who You are

or what You've done

or what has happened.......

if You try to communicate with me

i Will get back to You.....

it may be longer than usual.....

but i Will.....

anyways......

she was perhaps the most beautiful image for me to ever wake up to....i almost got caught by her sister the last time i had a dream about her :/

but still:

Focus-

heart

PURE

h e a r t

i love the drive that can be spurred by the heart

and how the soul can follow in suit

how breath can live again deep within

with each beat deepening to allow the course to flow so strongly

one idea from the source 

pushed to every crevice of my being

today it has been excellence

the possibility of living every single moment with it

and what it looks like to be something that i have been involved with

what does it look like when i join a project

how does it look different after i have picked up an assignment for a year

how do my fellow employees notice my difference

do my fellow employees dread working with me

or do i bring hope to every time we have a shift together because they know things will be done excellently

who is the "i" that i give

even for Dulce: the crap that i put forth from being intimidated or cowardly effects how i communicate with her and possible how she may even listen to words that i may have to speak to her that could change her life

the way that i give to everyone

and how i could really give so much more of this life i squander so well

excellence is there and has made it self steadily more vocal....

and not only available to me but for everyone

with every decision

every action

message

word 

and beat

just one step at a time

focus on one item until it is done, maybe a small few.....

and move on.....

its better then having everything on my plate

for me to view

without hardly anything getting done

and if anything

definitely not sustainably

i love fresh starts 

possibly more than most other things.....

but i also LOVE finishing a story....

and thats where i'm enjoying this day from: 

fresh

old

continuous

story......and its finally moving.....