oh little

with hearts of thought

i wonder a lot

where to i have yet not

discovered the goal i dream, or sought

in correction i lost

what had hardened from frost

my brain still works

but it seems i've settled it untaught

the grinch which i fought

became the man i escaped without

success

success was created in the ill-est of ideas

do the things required and surely I'll never "see us"

do only what i need, any worry about nothing else

i find living without the world is void of life though You may have Yourself

but even that seemed absent.

i now a barrage of speech

why learn someones language if that is not what You will choose to speak??

why dissect the tapestry to speak as if the riddle is unknown

Martin really opened my eyes today to how dumb it is that I have been acting. And i seems like everyone is shedding light on what should have been plain for me to see

plain for me to….do

i just feel ignorant knowing what I know and demanding something

chasing something so opposite to what I believe

what i value

to how i show this heart

As water reflects the face,

so one's life reflects the heart…..

if i know what is in my heart its time to show it with this life…..

for how simple it is to live with life happening to me…..

and simple is far from where I may belong, not in all things at all, 

but assuredly….

here…..

simple is not to be

Despite

What is popular belief:

Good work ain't cheap....

And

Cheap work ain't good....

I've always followed this belief.

My dad has always told us to never give up:

Bite the bullet:

Give Your best:

And I try.

As a result: I've been pro Apple for quite a while:

A company, to me, who ALWAYS does their work with excellence. My phone is an iPhone. My laptop is a Mac. 

I have been drawn to invest in that which performs at its best and even to purchase such things I have had to become more disciplined in saving: and while seeming like a small feet, i see it unbelievably inspirational to purchase such items without any debt to have afterward.

I think that is what "Good" does:

Simply in its presence, even if not doing "Good" Yourself....it requires You to move up in what You do....

And in relationships this has been so important, so important that for a while I was very superficial about it. 

If we were going to date....You needed to be at Your best....

Over weight: Nope

Problems with Your family: Nope

Issues with God: maybe

As though if I thought that somehow I obtained a level of greatness above them. 

I soon realized that I was no one. And so many people, especially the ones I dated, helped me to become a better person.....i didn't do it alone....and even if I did....I'm no one that my life shouldn't be the same.....

So superficial relationship Rome: taken care of and removed.

But still so far from "Good"

I learned to accept what everyone else did....

Despite what I knew to be GOOD

So I listened:

This is how You treat girls

This is how You hurt those who hurt You

This is how You get out of a contract agreement

This is how You pay less

This is how You make alot of money 

This is what makes a -good- life.....

I listened to some....and came so close to following some....while occasionally obeying others.

I could hear GOOD inside though

I could hear GOOD 

telling me how to treat a Lady

Telling me when to wake up

Telling me how to love someone

Telling me how to love friends

Telling me not to eat something

Showing me what to say....

And I hear GOOD

For I haven't been given up on.

There is still Grace shown to me

And It's time to do GOOD

my average is more than enough to pass by....even to excel in life above others....but it's not close to what I know is GOOD...

So ima do GOOD

And You'll see GOOD

and the world will be different because of it....

I would encourage You to do GOOD 

If You are then You should have this abundant Peace

And Your life should Give GOOD to everyone who You are in contact with....

In case my analogy/metaphor is not clear: God is the source of this GOOD which I speak. And I hear Him constantly....even with things that should not traditionally have anything to do with God....simply because God is ever present....and learning to be conscious of that and loving Him by obeying Him.....

Something GOOD

Begins to happen....

And like a sunrise

A baby's birth

A song done correctly

Or an act of Love....

Everyone sees it and everyone is changed

Despite us all.

P.s: in this GOOD I'm goin to try and post everyday. And for everyone that reads, You shouldn't be the same.i wish I could say for the better but we will see ;)

Pure

I cant help but try to explain that feeling
and again

something that cannot be explained accurately, perhaps....

We do it all the time....
it seems almost completely unavoidable.....

we screw up.
and we sometimes dont do it often or
we do it repeatedly....





either way....there is that time....

the time in from being pure and the renewal of that purity.....

the between...
that can feel normal
but usually weighs so heavily......


and that moment....
when forgiven
redeemed
aware of His Love even

You realize how far gone You have been
You see, -Know, the weight of what You have been dragging around
of what You have been neglecting
or letting grow
or what You have hidden.....

been when His Love comes, as though it left,
-When we realize His Love never left
that He never left
that He Loves us without there being Any Reason At All.....
You feel pure....

Completely Washed
Renewed
Refreshed
The world free for You to dream with again
Dreaming cause that may be the ultimate worship You can give
but dreaming and rushed with Love.....

Like when holding hands
or a wonderful hug from a dear friend
that friend that a hug from them at anytime changes Your world no matter how bad it seems.....

that feeling
that Love
that Purity

i dont know what weighs You down
but feeling free in this moment turns me delusional into thinking
that there may not be anything in the world worth holding on to
when You can simply be
honest
open
free

and pure

Be a man

i feel enveloped by a swarm of thoughts once remembered......

and it sweeps me completely away......

and it is silly remembering.....after watching a film about a woman who forgot so much.......





yet....
in her loss.....
I seem to be whole again....
And it seems so strange how this happens...
and maybe it is a cycle of something I hope to return to, but that I wont commit too....
but I loved again....
and not for a woman.....as a whole....

the love i have always had
the love i have always given
the love that has been missing for maybe three to four years......

You know what brought it back.....
watching someone give up.....watching as someone was taken advantage of.....watching someone choose to display the end of their love though they really wanted more.....

it was wrong
and not suppose ti happen
and i fought for truth in the story

how long it has been since i have fought for that truth.....
there was no reason for me to....
but i am so
so thankful that it has been only deeply unexplicably hidden.....
and not gone.....
the gift of Love was not gone.......

this guy abused a relationship so that he could have a second chance....
so he could get what he wanted....and I was screaming

no!
No don't do it!
be the man she needs You to be....
be a man....

and I realized I always used to be that man
always protecting....
always loving....
with deep love.....
as a man.....

it hasn't been who i have been.
but it is now who i am.

ironically enough a beautiful friend i value greatly, i used to show her how i did, wrote an article on being a woman....or the appearance of women....or the idea of women.....lets try again...

a friend of mine wrote on the deep complexities beauties imaginative glory of limitlessness of women
or to me that's what it was. and it dawned that this post has no reflection, or similarity. i like that.


ive been matt damon hunting for good will....
memorizing facts....
knowing info....
with no warmth
no depth to the vastness of life
no beat to a wild and vivacious heart
but i found my robin williams.....
and it may be hard to deal with the truth that someone else has brought you to life....
but it is so much better than the alternative.....


i return to
laying down and thinking
laughing and being honest
completely open and free
nothing hidden and every thing spoken true
i return to you.......






be a man.....
respect her.....
if you need,
i will show you

and for women....
.....as though i could actually tell you to be anything that would be greater than that which you already are........and long to be...

will You dream with me?

time again....

i think i found who totaled my car.....
i've been caught up a little bit....

don't worry....

more dreams yet to come.....

it seems like the whole world is possible.....
learning has returned with its sweet savor....
i find joy in most of the people that i am around....
and I find myself sometimes the most uncomfortable....and that is great......

feels like Its been a little crazy lately.....
i think the beauty of the hope is noticing how life seems to become exceedingly wonderful no matter the situation....

I have no car....
and not really money to fix that....
insurance said they are not covering it....
and I have had some weird body reactions to the trauma...even though it was small....




yet.....
i feel.....
I feel God so strongly......
so closely.......
and with such peace....
that not a worry affects me at all....

and my heart continues to soar......


You have a free, and desired, invitation to join.....
come one come all.....

its time to let go......

the sweetest maybe so far....

so.

in the midst of fighting the deliciousness of my bed
i dreamt something so beautiful....

to my,

and my close ones she has the code name.
got to do it these days.
to many ears around.

hers is dulce de leche....
for many reasons.
dulce for short.


and this dream was about her.
she left me a voice mail, 2 actually and it was one of those things were I could see her while she left the message. I could see what she was talking about as well.

the first message was of excitement. Like she had just found out I was in Lakeland and wanted to know, very adimately what I have been up to and when we could just go hang out and talk. Super smiles all over....could hear it all in her voice.

the other message was about how she had did something for me. She had did all this work. LIKE ALOT OF WORK for me that I never told her or anyone about.

She had figured me out. My weaknesses and my needs and had did something for me that i don't think anyone could ever do with the way I try to keep myself locked up.

and I melted.
I melted Hard!

because someone had broke me in a way
they pushed through...
or cared enough to find what it was that i needed....

and I Love that.

I Love it when people know what I need or want or could use right now.
when People trust me when I tell them something.
when people take the time to see what i need without ever asking...

I Love it...
I Love them....
and for Her to do what I desire in everyday life.....
not even maybe special....
but just that thought of when You realize You matter to someone just as much, if not more, as how You look and ponder and wonder about that same individual....

it was beautiful.

I'm working on trying to express what I do Love, or like.
I think I set myself up for failure when I won't tell anyone what i desire yet I do ask them to express themselves....

i think i do it with limits though....
there are things I don't want to know...
things I want to figure out....
things that I want time to search the depth of.....
to value....
to find.........

so maybe that will stay the same...
while simply working on expressing myself when I should be....
yet leaving depths of treasures for someone to come explore....
to take with everything to be theirs alone......
I mean after the LORD of course....(just can't shake that feeling of someone thinking they would be my everything and more than Him....so I got to give the disclaimer...the one disclaimer that I Love)

Well..
for Dulce....
I don't think I deserve her....
not yet....
and I hope I'm wrong but I'm willing to wait....

Personal vent: she put up this picture and I was so upset.....
You know why I was upset??
She wasn't with someone else having a great time or kissing some guy(which wouldn't get me mad anyways....thats childish i think to get mad over her actually loving someone else)

no
no...
It was because she looked so freakin Gorgeous!
I was upset because of how Beautiful she looked, because she doesn't put up very photo genie pictures...
she just doesn't, at least I don't think she does.

She has two pics, that I've seen....im not going searching either to find out if this is true, but two pics that have been amazing.....and after a couple years she releases this second.....ughhhhh

it was like looking at a sunset on the beach through a camera because You don't know if You are even suppose to be at that beach..... BUT YOU WANT TO BE!

Anyways: end of rant.

for what i know:
I recognize patterns.....
I know when she gets nervous....
when she is being different....
and Ive tried to turn it off for the hope that I can jump in faith without knowing everything so i can fall endlessly after her.

i don't want fact and science to determine how I will approach her...
I want some mystery to remain.....

and the hardest thing is knowing that she may be so far from my Love....
I naturally see the beauty of everyone I come in contact with....
somewhat of a burden and a joy....
because I can literally fall in Love with anyone.....
and I have to realize that I cannot treat every woman with that Love.....
and its hard when You see amazing grown women....who are attracted to You and would be willing to give it a chance and choosing to say no.....

but I will wait....
Oh i will wait......
and the only difference about Dulce is in that feeling that I cannot describe in a thousand words....

and We'll see how it goes.....
If Your reading You should know its You......
or maybe at least Your hoping it is.....
and hopefully when we talk...
and have conversations.....
and then have Conversations...
I will ask if You ever read this....
and You will hopefully tell me how You did.....
How You waited.....
and wanted me the whole time as well.....
and that You were going to wait for me too....
if it's not You....
I thank You endlessly for being at least a standard of true Beauty.....

until I know though....
I'll keep dreaming.....

lets do it like this

I had an amazing Friday night.

I had some friends come to the center to lead music and teach our students a new way to read and study their Scriptures.

it was truly beautiful. Something happened from the beginning to end, ironically the moment I wasn't in charge and really let other people take care of what I care for.....

Music was unbelievably beautiful...a couple mess ups....but somehow God just seemed so evident during that time.....

and then,
the reading that took place just brought such a peaceful calm to the night....while satisfying so well....
it really was probably the best part of the night.....probably....
He did phenomenal though...

and I feel rarely swept away in such times.....
like I usually enjoy what people are doing around me and the ministries that they do, but very few times am I ever completely washed over anew.....and this dude did that....with Our girls....by reading, talking....and mostly listening.....

he showed me I can be a better listener......

I Loved it,
and I'm super happy they want to visit and Love again....

after they left was absolutely great as the girls continued to share how they were so affected by the message of Love......

just one of those nights that words remain inadequate to describe the truth of what happened....
i have no words even now feeling the same truth and not having any way to express it accurately....

so to the Family.....and wonderful human video Girlfriend ;) ........

Thank You....
For You have no idea of the worth You brought to life jus by making sure students were going to be the highlight of Your Friday night......

remain nameless for the beauty of the unknown......

Hmmmm

You ruined me......

And I knew I would never want to settle for anything less than what I felt with You....

Today has been amazing....
I couldn't imagine a day without You there God
And this day was really something

Thank You

And thank You....
Its brilliant to see the sun shine

all right

So that was an utter failure...

What I do love is the fact that I can be held to what I said....

I had no idea its been so long.....

November 23, 2011..... Woooops....
But lets try and start today...
and maybe everyday....
For Professor Corrigan who taught me,
I really hope to put this brain to some legitimate work that I have been lacking on....

but beautiful is coming again.....